What MS really feels like | Positive Living with MS

People who arent living with MS just don’t understand. Its hard to explain to people what we feel daily, when we “look so good” on the outside.
I have always wished i had a super power, were i could touch someones arm, and for a split second they could feel what i feel. I would NEVER wish this MonSter on anyone, but a “here…..wanna REALLY know what i feel daily” super power might be nice. Its tiring to try and explain all the ups and downs, symptoms, side effects, relapses, types of MS…yada yada yada…..


To turn a *NEW* leaf.

So…..instead of random rantings, im officially going to change up the blog a bit. A more healthful, positive blog if you will…..

Yes we all have our ups and downs in life, and dont get me wrong here…i will be back to vent im sure! 

Recipes, healthful living for the entire family, natural remedies and other helpful tidbits that make myself and others around me feel better. Inspirational spattering will unfold here as well along with nature love and other good things. I was gone a While and pretty down in the dumps and my health has been an issue. But…..im baaaaaaack.

Paleo ‘Hostess’ with the Mostess

Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind

So I’m sure we can all agree that the demise of Hostess last year was probably a good thing…right?…Right?! It’s one less packaged and processed, sugar coated excuse for food that’s fueling the obesity epidemic in America. For me though it was like a bad break up, I knew it was over and that it was for the best, but I didn’t want it to happen! No more Twinkies, Cupcakes, Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho’s, or the little mini doughnuts! Okay let me be honest here, I seriously haven’t had a Twinkie since probably 2007. Not because I haven’t wanted to eat one, but because they are terrible for you! Even before I was Paleo I knew that, does anyone not know that? Rumor has it that only Twinkies and cockroaches will survive the apocalypse. Twinkies because they are so full of preservatives and artificial everything, making it impossible for them to…

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MS……the words i never wanted to hear.

It was Monday, February 25th 2013. My divorce was final. I drove home feeling odd….not a newly divorced odd feeling,but a something in my body isnt right feeling. While driving my hands went numb…then my cell rang so i tapped the blue tooth and said hello. My face started to go numb and sad, my speech slurred….panic….

I was admitted to the Hospital and stayed 4 nights. MRI of my Brain and Neck and two lesions were found. Then a lumbar puncture. An EEG and an absurd amount of blood work. They had me in the stroke ward. I wasnt allowed to walk or go to the bathroom alone. My bed has sensors on it so when i moved someone would run in. I cried….ALOT. The Neurologist said she was 100% positive it was MS, and that my spinal fluid had elevated white blood cells and oblicular bands. I was devistated. Thought my life was over. The day after my divorce and im lying in a Hospital bed seeing my son without a mom. Or living in a wheelchair and unable to do the mom things i needed to do. Scared and overwhelmed to say the least.

The seizures stopped, and im not on medication for MS YET!!!!  but the good days out weigh the bad. But when the bad are here…..its like the devil breathing over my shoulder. The pain is unbarable. The numbness and slurring my words is awful. I stumble like a drunk and cant drive to far because my eyes get double vision or i have muscle spasms bad enough that i cant drive at all. Im learning every day about this disease. I may have MS….but MS doea NOT have me.

I will keep fighting and stay strong because im a fighter. I will push forward and stay positive through all the ups and downs. The good days and the bad. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the ONLY choice you have.

where do we go from here…..

im getting a divorce. yup. just like a million other Americans have. no big deal right? because so many people before me have..no harm. no pain….BULLSHIT!!

I was the one who wanted it. my husband and I were together a total of 15 years, but only married the last 4. drugs and alcohol were both major factors for my choice and also a vegas trip sexual escepade i found out about 12 years later. but i will spare you the 15 year story of on again off again mental abuse and control i dealt with.

nobody tells you about all the stages you go through. anger,hurt,denial, depression…its bad, bad stuff. im in my sadness loss depression phase. one minute i just wanna go back to the misery cuz thats what im used too, but in reality its cuz im scared to fucking death of being alone, moving on and what life has in store for me. im feeling sorry for myself. feel lost and confused. i dont know how im going to move forward without someone by my side. 15 years is a long time to be with the same person. its sad to grow and leave that behind in the blink of an eye. you want the other person to change. to fight for you. to want everything you want. but when they say that you and the family are what they want and they turn to the old habits instead of you, you need to finally decide for yourself. and i did….and i am broken. but i will get stronger. each day.

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….dreams of being a mom, and then becoming one.

When i was a little girl, i would play with my dolls. I’d dress them and bathe them, coddle them, hug and kiss them. I couldnt wait to have my own little one to have and to hold. I would imagine how lovely it would be. How perfect my child would be. Clean and quiet. Cheerful and never crying. Pleasant and kind with manners of Gold. And…

Fast forward to my twenties, when i had a full time job, a tribe of friends and a life i loved…..still no child, but that childhood dream popped into my head constantly…oh sh*t!! My Biological clock is ticking.better get to work. Well…no dice! Hubby was just back to work after months of being laid off, the time wasnt right to add a sweet bundle of joy into our lives just yet.

Late twenties….now im getting pissed! Im 29. Thinking id have a house on the hill with a few kiddlets in the yard, a lassie type dog and a husband i adore with the perfect life and not a problem in the world…well? Where the hell is my dream? What happend to it?
Instead i have a husband whos hottness has gone south, because budwieser is making him fat and lazy and live in the opposite of my dream home…more like a frigidaire box made out of bricks!   Dont get me wrong, i loved my life, it just needed a little tweaking. AND..my Biological clock was in fult tilt boogie mode. I wanted a child and i was now thinking like a maniac. I needed to get knocked up and like NOW!!!

Age 31….im awesome! Have a great job, making good money, medical insurance, i feel like i have it all…i decide to join Weight Watchers. Get my healh and fitness on…doing great.  months into my Weight Watchers crusade. I feel a little off. Kinda funky. Moody and snapping at anyone who looked my way. Considering i was a manager at a local JoAnn fabrics probably wasnt good. Especially since i was always weilding knife blade sharp scissors while holding position at the cutting counter.
I didnt pay attention to the signs…told myself i was gonna bleed soon and figured my psycho~ness was lack of food, coffee and pms. I needed chocolate, i craved crap food and drooled like a zoo animal when i drove down “fast food alley” (no lie, in my town there is this one main drag that has McDonalds,Wendys,Burger King,Dunkin Donuts,Popeyes Chicken,Pizza Hut and a Subway all in a zig zag row. its like the Las Vegas strip up in this b*tch). anyway….
Day in and day out for 3 weeks i was a starving, emotional, moody lunatic. Then a light bulb!!! Oh Sh*t…could i be pregnant??? Nah…i was still losing weight but slowed down because i hit a “platue”. Yeah…sure Heidi,keep thinking that. Well, i decided to gt a pregnacy test. It was Positive…you’d have thought the earth stopped. No way?!! I went and bought 7 more..you know, just to make sure. All of them positive… Omg. Im gonna get fat. no lie that was the first thing i thought. Then i cried. I got scared.i panicked and didnt want to be pregnant right now. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. I wasnt ready after all that time waiting. Is anybody REALLY ready? Is that. “right time” thinking BS…yes folks it is. You wait for the rigt time and it wont happen. When things ARE going right. Thats when it will jump out and be all “HaHa…Gotcha!

My pregnancy was great. Once i was sure i wasnt harboring a tape worm and came to terms that i TRULY was goig to bring a human being into the world. I gained 60 lbs while pregnant. Probably because the Dr. Was convinced for the first few months i was having twins and wasnt, but still ate like a cow and figured, well….beter safe than sorry ;). Labore was fine, until the back labor started and i was tethered to a machine instead of able to walk or park my ass on the exercise ball like they promised. BOO.
And then, in a whirlwind of bliss and cherubs and chime filled harp music, my son was born….or so my childhood dream thought it would be like that…WRONG~O.
Skip ahead to the present. My caring, well mannered, perfect saint of a small human is really a mouthy,emotional, temper tantrum having, poo slinging, potty mouthed crab apple!! What happend? All the stories are always about pristine,perfect, well spoken and perfectly adjusted kids. This was not what i signed up for..hey do i get a refund?. Nah, i wouldnt trade him for the world. My maniac is my life and i love him with all my heart and soul. But this motherhood thing just plain sucks ass at times. Im not gonna sugar coat it. Its hard work, you lose sleep, you lack adult interaction and daily want to punch Dora in the face…or maybe its just me who cant stand Dora. And where are max and rubys’ parents? Huh..can somebody please answer this for me?
So in the end, my dream came true
not how i dreamed it, but how it was meant to be. And if my son wasnt a gargoyle at times he wouldnt be the “perfect” little man i fell in love with..a nightmare at times yes, but still my dream come true.

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